Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

The alley gates at the back of the houses have been in place for over a week, yet every time I pass one it's always open. Maybe someone has to come from the council to perform an official opening ceremony...and close them.

Yesterday the BBC online weather forecast got it wrong; early in the day it was predicting rain, and then later on modified this to cloudy with sunny intervals. Actually it was sunny and quite warm for most of the day; had I known this I would have most likely gone for a walk along the river to Sprotbrough. Instead, I spent an hour in the garden planting out my lupin seedlings which are now between an inch and two inches tall and so should be alright, provided there isn't a really keen frost.

My favourite TV programmes at the moment.

Lost
House
CSI
CSI Miami
Cold Case
Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Heroes

They're all American. I wonder why.

Last night I was watching another strange Japanese film, Ichi The Killer, which featured a few unusual scenarios.

A blow-job brothel.
A woman who could only orgasm when she pulled the skin off a man's cheeks.
A gangster who could track down his enemies by sniffing vaginas.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

York and Lincoln are both about the same distance from Doncaster; approximately thirty miles. Both are beautiful cities, well-loved by tourists from all over the world, although I'd say more York is the better known, and more people visit that city.

I love both cities. I probably prefer York because I've visited it more often - it's only twenty minutes on the train, and there are two trains an hour. To visit Lincoln it takes an hour on the train and there's only one every two hours I think.

For me, the best thing about York is the City Walls; whenever I'm there I always try to walk along most of the three mile circuit. Lincoln has no city walls though, however it does have short sections of Roman wall surviving in gardens (York's Roman wall for the most part is buried beneath later masonry) and a splendid mediaeval castle - York's Clifford Tower is all that remains of two castles that were built in the city at various times.

Both cities have spectacular cathedrals, but York is larger (being the largest Gothic cathedral north of the Alps) and has more than half of the remaining mediaeval stained glass in the country. Both cities also have numerous mediaeval buildings, I think Lincoln might have slightly more…yet York has more old churches; literally dozens of them.

The best thing about Lincoln is its location right on the top of the Lincoln edge; meaning that the castle and cathedral loom spectacularly over the city from wherever you are.

Finally, I believe that York has more museums and galleries; including the National Railway Museum, which is free admission.

If there were to be special offers on the trains I'd love to visit both cities again; at the moment I'd choose Lincoln though, because I was looking at some photographs of the city on the Geograph website and noticed that there are some areas to the north and east of the cathedral that I don't know at all and would like to explore them.

To finish off this post here are a few more comparisons I can think of:

York is situated on the River Ouse and tourists are able to take boat trips down to the Archbishop of York's palace at Bishopthorpe, whereas Lincoln is situated on the Witham, an insignificant river; yet it does have Brayford Pool, a yachting marina.

Both cities are pretty poor when it comes to shopping - most of the shops and businesses are tailored to the tourist market though. Lincoln has a traditional indoor shopping centre in the city centre, whereas has a designer outlet in the suburbs.

Lincoln has a very busy and popular Christmas Market; York has the mystery plays.

From the Sky News online forum.

A Yorkshireman in Zimbabwe?

Spell Mugabe's name backwards and you can no longer take him seriously.

[I suppose 'ebagum' is an approximation of 'ee by gum.']

Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary's famed acumen and self-confidence briefly deserted him when he failed to back his own horse Hear The Echo to win the Irish Grand National at odds of 33-1.
The outsider ridden by Paddy Flood and trained by Michael 'Mouse' Morris easily knocked 6-1 favourite Royal County Star into second place at Ireland's top steeplechase on Monday.
"We had no money on him," The Irish Times newspaper quoted O'Leary as saying.
"I thought he was going out for a run to keep himself warm," said O'Leary, whose Gigginstown House Stud produced 2006 Cheltenham Gold Cup winner War of Attrition.

Well, that's not necessarily so. I've just had a heavy bleed this morning; my piles burst as I was sitting on the toilet. It's been my first bleed for over a year, and so although I'm feeling a little weak, the relief from symptoms for the next few weeks will be very welcome.

A couple have been barred from returning to their £1m home wrecked by last summer's floods - because newts have moved in.
John and Margie Histed have been forced to live in a caravan since their 18th-century house flooded, reports the Daily Express.
Repairs were almost complete to their home at Dauntsey, Wiltshire, when a blocked drainage ditch caused it to flood again.
And now they have been told they cannot unblock the ditch because the Environment Agency suspects great-crested newts might be living there.
Officials have ordered a three-month survey to look for the protected species and it could take several more months to relocate them if they are found.
In the meantime the Histeds have had to put their renovations on hold in case the property floods again.
Retired doctor Mrs Histed, 67, said: "I know it's the law, but it's very frustrating and bordering on the ridiculous that the fate of newts takes precedence over humans.
"Is it reasonable for us to just sit here and watch if the ditch floods our home again because there may be newts there?"
The survey is not expected to begin before June and the work to relocate the newts until the autumn.

Three times yesterday, in order to sign out of Hotmail I had to click on a button labelled 'malade'; which is the French word for 'ill' or 'sick.' I managed to sign out okay, but what's going on?
The rest of the page was how it normally is though…in English.

In York all the Streets are Gates, all the Gates are Bars and all the bars are Pubs.

A clever quote from the 'Visit York' website.

Bus passengers who travel along a route of more than 30 miles must get off the vehicle midway through their journey to comply with new EU laws.

The law has been described as a 'farce.'
The Brussels ruling dictates that drivers must pull over and let everyone off their bus after 30 miles, to ensure they do not spend too long behind the wheel.
Western Greyhound, a bus company operating in rural Devon and Cornwall, is among those affected.
Its Newquay to Plymouth route has been split in three, even though a single driver is used for the entire distance.
The driver is obliged to pull over and ask everyone to get off before the route number on the front of the vehicle is changed, and all the passengers are invited back on board.
Passengers have been told they must buy three tickets to complete the route, and they must also break their journey twice.
Western Greyhound managing director Mark Howarth said: “It’s a farce. We have to kick customers off as soon as the driver hits the 30-mile limit.
“Often it’s in the middle of nowhere. The passengers think we are crazy.
“We’re caught up in something aimed at long-distance truckers.”
Liberal Democrat transport spokesman Norman Baker has written to Transport Secretary Ruth Kelly asking that bus companies are able to opt-out of the law.
He said: “These rules don’t stop buses running more than 30 miles.
“All they do is inconvenience the passengers who have to keep getting on and off. It’s like an Ealing comedy.”
Long-distance coach journeys are exempt from the law.

I was in Farm Foods frozen food store a few minutes ago and went up to the till to pay for some frozen fish fillets. Although the price of £1 was written in large lettering on the box, the assistant tried to charge me £1.25 because that's what came up on the till when he scanned the box. I told him that the price was only £1 and explained to him that the relevant consumer protection legislation staes that you can't overcharge people. Anyhow, I knew my rights and insisted that he call for the manageress; she was very polite, confirmed everything I said and only charged me £1.

By the way, I've used the word 'professional' in the title because although I'm unemployed, I consider myself to be a professional consumer champion - or, if you prefer, complainer.

I've just been watching BBC News 24 and there were six programme trailers or promotional videos shown before the six o'clock news headlines. Why can't commercial advertisements be shown at this time and generate a bit of money so that the cost of the licence fee can be reduced?

Bidding for a cornflake resembling the US state of Illinois has reached more than £100,000 on eBay.

Two sisters listed 'The Great Illinois Corn Flake' on the auction site, promising it had undergone no cosmetic alterations.
Emily McIntire, a 15-year-old in high school from Chesapeake, Virginia, said she was grabbing fistfuls of cereal on her way to class when she found the flake.
"It was almost to my mouth, it didn't look like Illinois at first because it was held the wrong way," she said.
But then she noticed the resemblance and said: "Oh my goodness, it's Illinois."
Her 23-year-old sister, Melissa, said their parents suggested selling it for fun. They're offering free shipping, providing the buyer is in Illinois.
"At the moment it's residing in a fine jewellery box with a lot of cotton wrapped around it to keep it safe," said Melissa.
The McIntire sisters say they've decided to use the proceeds from the eBay sale to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes.
"We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa said. "We like cereal."

Last night at my friend's house we watched a very strange Korean film called 'Save The Green Planet'. I first saw this film online last year and really enjoyed it, and so when I came across it again I sent my friend the link.

Two things I can remember him commenting about;
1…The main female character is an obese tightrope-walking dwarf
2…In one scene a retired police office is typing with a mackerel.

Yesterday I went to the cemetery, and then to my friend's house in the evening. Although it was a Sunday service I seemed to spent less time than usual waiting for buses than I normally do - just lucky timing I suppose.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

It was a brave man who was the first to eat an oyster. - Mark Twain

'Braver than me.' - My Response

Is it possible to accidentally copy and paste an entire Microsoft Word 97 file without even opening it? My computer seemed to be trying to do this when I clumsily clicked on about three different files at once.

A German pensioner is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg - and woke up to find she had been given a new anus.
The clinic in Hochfranken in Bavaria has suspended the surgical team concerned after they apparently mixed up the notes for two patients.
The woman complainant was expecting an operation on her leg, while another patient, suffering from incontinence, was scheduled for surgery on her sphincter.
The woman, who still needs to have the leg operation, is planning to sue the hospital and is looking around for another hospital to carry out the work.

My lupine seedlings are already an inch taller than my rudbeckia [black-eyed Susan] seedlings, although they were planted three weeks later; in fact the rudbeckias have hardly grown at all for the last month. This is a bit unusual, since according to the seed packets, the lupines aren't due to flower until next summer, whereas the rudbeckias should bloom this July.

A company has produced a, 25-piece survival kit inside a sardine tin.

The kit includes one of each of the following items: non-aspirin pain reliever, adhesive bandage, alcohol prep pad, antibiotic ointment, book of matches, compass, chewing gum, sugar, salt, energy nugget, duct tape, fire starter cube, first aid instructions, fish hook & line, note paper, pencil, razor blade, safety pin, reflective signal surface, tea bag, waterproof bag, whistle, and wire clip.

It's snowing heavily...and it's settling - it's already about an inch deep. The BBC weather forecaster has just said that statistically snow is more likely at Easter than Christmas; I suppose it has been even likelier this year since Easter has fallen so early; apparently it won't be as early again for another 220 years.

I've just been speaking on the phone to an editor of a poetry magazine and he wasn't too impressed that I don't keep records about who I've sent my poems to, and when I sent them. Because I couldn't provide him with any details he just put the phone down…so it looks like my work won't be appearing in his magazine. Well, it's more his loss than it is mine…I still know that the poems are good enough to be published [because he phoned me up] and will most likely end up being published elsewhere.

I write poetry as a hobby; it's not a bloody business where I have to keep detailed accounts for my accountant or the taxman…I like the random element of submitting work for publication whereby I never know where or when it will be published until I actually receive a copy of the magazine in the post, or see it online.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

It's not the weather for walking at the moment - it's snowing outside. However, I've just been looking at an online Ordnance Survey map of the Hooton Roberts area and it looks like there's some decent walking country there. I don't really know the area; but it's quite easy to get there on public transport - it's situated on the main A630 Sheffield road, just beyond Conisbrough, and there are six buses an hour. In five weeks' time my brother finished his workfare placement at Barnsley and so I'll ask him if he might fancy joining me when the weather is a bit warmer.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

… but I like these a lot:

Chocolate - the darker, the better
Milk
Tetris
The internet
Science fiction
Touching interesting surfaces and textures

I found this bit of doggerel in the online edition of The Times - it sums up the state of politics nicely.

At Downing Street upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't Blair.
He wasn't Blair again today.
Oh how I wish he'd go away.

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yes, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yes, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm off to France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yes,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and everyone sits down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing…..

........Away Gauls count double."

References to local towns:

Doncaster - the penis (a reference to 'dong' and 'dildo')

Barnsley - a female who drinks and smokes heavily, usually to the severe detriment to her health
- someone who crashes forklift trucks into walls

Sheffield - an out-of-work prostitute, usually seen hanging around them bars looking for desperate clients

Pontefract - anything that sounds like it is Welsh, or in Wales; but actually isn't

Scunthorpe - a sly way of calling someone a 'cunt'

A German lorry driver escaped a rap for driving while using a mobile phone - after claiming he was using it as an ear warmer.
A court in Hamm accepted Walter Klein's claims that he had been using the phone which was warm after being recharged to warm his ears.
It means he had not broken the law which says drivers can only make phone calls with a hands free set.
Klein, 43, told the court: "I had an earache and it was being made worse because the cab had not heated up yet - it takes a while on a big rig.
"So I grabbed the phone that had been on charge and put it to my ear, and that was when I was stopped by police."
The court accepted his claim after he produced an itemised telephone bill proving he had not been using the phone at the time he was stopped.

I noticed that yesterday, St. Patrick's Day, the Google homepage featured shamrocks and green text, and on St. David's Day it featured a leek and a daffodil. I wonder what, if anything, will be featured on St. George's Day? What will be used to represent the English?

I'll be forty six years old on my next birthday. Most men of my age are showing advanced signs of baldness, but not me; my hair is as thick as it's ever been - and still a bloody nuisance…but I'm showing a few gray hairs around my temples. My major gripe with my hair though is that it's starting to sprout everywhere; inside my ears and nostrils, on the backs of my fingers and the tops of my toes, on my chest and back and even up the crack of my arse.

A medieval cathedral in Spain's Mediterranean port of Valencia has installed two indoor traffic lights to help control the influx of visitors expected during Holy Week which begins on Sunday.
The traffic lights were placed at the bottom of the 207 steps of Valencia Cathedral's octagonal bell tower, which offers sweeping views of the city, as well as at the top of the staircase, the cathedral said on its website.
The traffic lights were set up earlier this month "to avoid jams between the groups of people who climb and descend the stairs of the bell tower" and are controlled either manually or automatically with sensors, it added.

1. It occasionally blocks the sun, alarming the citizenry and curtailing our solar energy supply. This is clearly a threat to our national security.

2. Despite all our best efforts, including several direct visits, it has never responded to any attempts at communication. Silence is ominous.

3. There is nothing visible on the surface, so there must be something hidden underground (e.g., a uranium enrichment plant).

4. There is no good reason to believe that the Moon doesn't have large reserves of oil.

5. The Moon is always in an ideal position to launch a devastating missile strike anywhere on planet Earth.

6. It is not a member of the U.N., nor a signatory of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

7. It is largely responsible for our tides. This cannot be a coincidence.

8. It is almost certainly not a Christian moon (and it surely looks God-forsaken).

9. It's a great place to harbour terrorists: remote, forbidding, lots of craters to hide in.

10. Our trade deficit with the Moon is exactly zero.

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"
Deep breath... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
...and so it does...
' A f r i c a n Elephant '

A Finnish library-goer apparently thought 'better late than never' and quietly returned a book on loan for more than 100 years to a library in Vantaa, in southern Finland.
The library had long since lost track of the loan but welcomed back to its collections the bound copy of a 1902 volume of Vartija, an active religious monthly periodical at the time.
"We are unclear when exactly it was borrowed and who returned it. There weren't any documents with it," librarian Minna Saastamoinen told Reuters.
"There is an old note attached to the book which says there is a fine of 10 pennies a week for late returns," she added.
The library sticker inside the cover, and the old-fashioned handwriting on it, showed the book was last officially loaned out at the beginning of the last century, she said.
Finland is known for a comprehensive library network with more than 900 libraries for its 5.3 million inhabitants. In 2006, each Finn on average visited a library 11 times and borrowed nearly 20 books.
The periodical was borrowed such a long time ago that the Korso branch of the Vantaa library, where the tome was finally handed in, did not even exist when the book was borrowed.

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

A comment on a news forum [I've forgotten which one] to the question, 'Who will win the next general election?'

'I'm hoping for a hung parliament…the whole bloody lot of them!'

To marylov:

No, I don't want to exchange photos with you and unfortunately I won't be able to come for tea, since I live in Doncaster [England] and you live in Liberia, West Africa, and the furthest south I can get on the bus is Nottingham.

To kevinhoffman:

I have told you at least a dozen times this morning that I do not want to be your friend and join your blogging community. I am not in the least bit interested in mobile phone roaming rates because I don't have a mobile phone or a passport. Just leave me alone!

[I haven't actually sent these messages; but if I did these would be pretty much what I'd write]

Deputies say a woman in western Kansas became stuck on her boyfriend's toilet after sitting on it for two years.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.
"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."
Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.
"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."
He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,"' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."
The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.
"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.
She was taken to a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.
Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.
Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.
The case has been the buzz Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.
"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.
Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.
He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.
"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said of the bathroom incident. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."


The village of Barnburgh, about six miles to the west of Doncaster is known locally as the 'Cat and Man Town.' It received this name because of a legend which describes an event which supposedly took place in the fifteenth century.
The legend tells of Sir Percival Cresacre who was attacked in the woodland near the church by a wild cat which killed his horse and then set on him. The fight lasted a long time and ended in St Peter's Church where both combatants died as a result of their wounds. According to the legend his blood has stained one of the church walls red, which can actually be seen within the entrance to the building.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

For several years I used to regularly watch Frickley Athletic (at Westfield Lane, South Elmsall) and during that time I witnessed a few unusual sights.

- A goal scored direct from a corner.
- A match which went to extra time and then penalties. When it came to the penalties, both teams were level after five attempts and the deadlock couldn't be broken either after every player had taken a kick in the sudden death stage. The referee had to phone up the regional F.A. headquarters in Sheffield to find out what should happen next: should the whole sequence be repeated with the players taking their penalties in the same order, or should things start from scratch again? I can't remember now what the outcome was though.
- A friendly game of three periods of thirty minutes due to the hot weather.
- Supporters of the away team bringing several dead birds to throw at each other.
- The referee showing a yellow card to a spectator for swearing.

China's Liu Xiang received the gold medal for the 60 metre hurdles on two occasions after a mix-up over the national anthem.
A bemused Liu was the model of stoicism in the initial ceremony as organisers inadvertently played Chile's national anthem instead of the Chinese.
But he then shook his head as he explained to fellow medalists Allen Johnson and Evgeniy Borisov and organizers what had happened.
An altogether happier Liu took to the podium for a second time ten minutes later to pick up his gold once again, on this occasion accompanied by the correct anthem.

I received a letter a few days ago telling me that nine of my poems would be published in an online poetry magazine called 'Great Works.' They sent me typeset copies of the poems to proofread; and only one sheet needed correcting.

Here's the longest of the poems, and my favourite - I think it might be some sort of love poem; but I'm not sure.

FEATHERBEDDING

The giveaway
Of past-purple foxgloves.

Grayslate afternoon;
Rehearsal for
A leafless winter tree.

Hunted copses
In an unwashed night.

A headache:
Pierced by the turning light
- I walk away
Slowly numbed
By your pronunciation.

By the way I have a permanent link to my poetry blog on the right-hand sidebar; it contains an archive of all my published work.

Here's the link.

On a recent walk, we visited the Lychgate of Hickleton church. It contains three skulls and the words "Today for me, tomorrow for thee", as a mortality reminder. Who the skulls belong to is unknown, but rumours suggest highwaymen, or corrupt local lords.

This is a quote from someone's page on the Flickr website where they are able to share their photographs. It's about a recent walk to Hickleton, near to Doncaster. I too recently went walking at Hickleton again and saw the skulls in the renovated lychgate…unfortunately one of the skulls is obviously plastic. When I was a child in Thurnscoe, the next village, we were all told that the original skulls [long since removed] were recovered from the site of the Battle of Marston Moor, near York, by an eccentric vicar of the parish.

I've got a vertical letterbox and it's rather annoying when the weather is windy like it is this morning. It's lightweight aluminium and the wind just catches it, and then it remains in the open position, causing the house to be full of drafts. I suppose I could fit some sort of curtain - a piece of cloth attached with drawing pins would help.

The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.
In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."
It added: "Offenders will be severely punished."
The mayor said he was forced to take drastic action after an administrative court in the nearby town of Pau ruled in January that the acquisition of adjoining private land to extend the cemetery would not be justified.
Lalanne, who celebrated his 70th birthday on Wednesday and is standing for election to a seventh term in this month's local elections, said he was sorry that there had not been a positive outcome to the dilemma.
"It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me," he said.

1748
This Pyramidal Building was Erected
by his Majestys most Dutyfull Subject
THOMAS Marquess of Rockingham Etc.
In Grateful Respect to the Preserver of our Religion
Laws and Libertys
KING GEORGE The Second
Who by the blessing of God having subdued a most Unnatural Rebellion
In Britain Anno 1746
Maintains the Ballance of Power and Settles
A Just and Honourable Peace in Europe
1748

This is the inscription which is carved onto Hoober Stand, a large folly built on a 518 ft high hill on the southern ridge of the Dearne Valley. Although it can't be seen from Doncaster town centre, it is a very prominent landmark on the horizon in Thurnscoe (seven miles west of Doncaster) where I used to live, and still regularly visit. I've only visited the site at Hoober twice though.

Of course, the 'Unnatural Rebellion' that the inscription refers to is the 1745 Jacobite Rising.

An Indian grocer has made it into the record books - for having the longest ear hair in the world.
Radhakant Bajpai, 50, has tufts of hair sprouting to an incredible 5.2in at their longest point, reports The Sun.
The astonishing length was confirmed for the Guinness Book of Records by medical examiner Dr R P Gupta.
Together, Bajpai's ear tufts measure almost 9.8in - long enough for two small ponytails.
He uses a special shampoo and has stopped wearing rings and necklaces so he does not damage his luxuriant whiskers.
Mr Bajpai, of Naya Ganj in Uttar Pradesh, northern India, said he wished people would take it all more seriously.
"Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family. God has been very kind to me," he said.

I've just been to sign on at the jobcentre, and because it's a bank holiday the next time I should sign on, I now don't have to sign on again until April 7th...I'm glad about that.

My name was called by a new clerk and when she asked me how my jobsearch was going; this is what I said -

"Well, after thirty years I'm still looking for my first job...and god knows how many thousand applications and rejections...and two major nervous breakdowns because I could't cope with all the rejections - which ended up with me sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor chanting 'No, no, no.' over and over again every few seconds most of one afternoon, what do you suggest I do now?...Oh, and by the way I've just been diagnosed with asthma."

She looked scared to death and just suggested that I keep attending the group therapy session.

On Saturday I received a letter from the council telling me about the Local Housing Allowance, which is going to replace Housing Benefit; it starts next month for new claims.

I've had a look at the website and it seems that I'll only be entitled to £55 per week, wherever I'm living in Doncaster. Since this is £9.50 a week less than what I'm currently receiving now, were I to take a temporary job or go on a training scheme for a few weeks and then need to make a new claim I'd end up having to live on only just over £30 per week - a large disincentive to actually trying to improve my circumstances. Of course, I could try and find cheaper accommodation; the only problem is; there isn't any in Doncaster - there are very few flats in the private sector where landlords are willing to accommodate unemployed people.

There's another major problem with this new scheme - the new payments to tenants will be paid directly into their bank accounts [many people haven't got bank accounts yet]. Since some people on benefits live chaotic lives and can have difficulties with managing their finances, there's a high probability that many people will end up not paying their rent, thus making landlords even less likely to accommodate people claiming benefits.

Not to worry though; the streets of Doncaster aren't paved with gold; I'm told that concrete is a lot warmer to sleep on!

A worker is to be immortalised as a stone gargoyle at a world-famous cathedral as a reward for 30 years service.
Stuart Boyfield had his face chiselled into a carving at historic Lincoln Cathedral, reports the Daily Mail.
Mr Boyfield, 50, whose job it is to unlock and lock the Cathedral's works yard every day, admitted he felt humbled.
"It is a great honour to have something like this done and I am very proud. I will be in the company of a former Queen, a Dean and of course the Lincoln Imp, " he said.
"To think that my likeness will be up there for the next 500 years and people will read records about it is really quite amazing."
The father-of-one, who lives in nearby Bardney, began working at the Cathedral in 1977.
Mr Boyfield said: "I am first in every morning to unlock the Cathedral's works yard, that is why the carving shows me with a big set of keys because I always have them with me.
"I didn't have much of a say in the carving because it has to be kept in a medieval style, but I think it is a dead-on match for my face."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

After posting a few weeks ago about the strangest letter I've received, I thought I might now write about the strangest phone call I ever received. It was twenty five years ago and I was still living in Thurnscoe with my parents. Although I still can't drive and haven't got a clue as to how an engine works, the call was from a garage in Doncaster offering me a job. For some reason they thought that I was the winner of the 'Yorkshire Young Mechanic of the Year Award' and were quite annoyed when I told them that I wasn't.

A man tells his friend, "I’m going to learn German." His friend says that German is a hard language to learn. The man replies, "How hard can it be? I’ve heard three-year-olds speaking it."

A 104-year-old South African man has set a new world record for the 100 metre race.
Phillip Rabinowitz, from Cape Town, is now officially the world's fastest centenarian sprinter, reports the Daily Mirror.
He finished the 100 metres in 30.86 seconds, knocking more than five seconds off the previous best.
It's not quite the 9.74 seconds set by Asafa Powell in 2007 but Phil is 80 years older than the world record holder.
Phillip said: "I've always run and walked everywhere because when I was a kid there weren't any cars."

'Political correctness does not legislate tolerance; it only organises hatred.'

Jacques Barzun - U.S. historian.

I was looking at the location of my blog visitors on Sitemeter and noticed yet again that Shreveport was written in capital letters. Nowhere else on the planet has been afforded this privilege so far.

A hospital builder has been sacked after being caught having sex with Henry the hoover.

The Polish contractor – who was supposed to be locking up the site – was found naked and on his knees with the smiling cleaner in the staff canteen.

A horrified security guard at Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital told him to “clean himself and the hoover” before kicking him out.

The shameless builder later told bosses he was vacuuming his underwear – “a common practice in Poland”.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

J. Edgar Hoover, director of the F.B.I for nearly fifty years expressed his views on reports from assistants in bright blue ink reserved solely for his use. He would write in the margins of memorandums on all four borders around a typewritten sheet. Once an assistant filled the page to the edges so Hoover barely had room for a comment. He responded, "Watch the borders." Puzzled but obedient, his aides dispatched agents to patrol the Canadian and Mexican borders for a week.

I came across this list on someone's blog; no descriptions or comment - just the list.

Strange things I have eaten in Japan:

Cow Heart
Frog Leg
Firefly Squid
Pig Intestines
Sea Urchin
Blowfish
Baby Sparrow
Gold
Fish Tail
Chicken Joints
Cow Liver

Polish police are baffled after a cyclist was badly burned when his trousers burst into flames.
Mieczyslaw Jasinski, 55, told doctors he smelt burning and looked down to see his trousers had caught fire.
He jumped off his bike and rolled on the ground trying to douse the flames but suffered second degree burns to his legs, back and stomach.
Passers-by spotted him lying at the side of the road in Koroszczyn, still smoking from the tattered remains of his trousers and groaning in pain.
A police spokesman said: "Witnesses said he was like a flaming human torch cycling along the road.
"We do not know how it happened but we have heard that it could have been caused by a reaction between friction as he cycled, sweat and the material of his trousers."

I've just been to the doctor's surgery, and then the chemist's to pick up my prescription. I've been diagnosed with a minor case of asthma. I only need to use the inhaler last thing at night if I'm having a coughing spasm, or first thing in the morning if it looks like it's going to be a bad day for my hayfever.

I'm not convinced that global warming is happening.

If global warming is happening, I'm not convinced that it's caused by human activity.

If global warming is happening and caused by human activity, I'm not convinced that overall it's a bad thing for the world's people, climate and ecology.

If global warming is happening and caused by human activity and overall it's a bad thing for the world's climate and ecology I still that it's better for most people on the planet to enjoy the fruits of economic development rather than be living in poverty in a pristine environment.

A 28ins tall woman believes she has set the world record for the smallest person ever to give birth.
Stacey Herald was told by doctors that having a child could kill her, crushing her internal organs, reports the Daily Telegraph.
But the 33-year-old recently gave birth to her second daughter, Makya, who measured 18ins.
Guinness World Records is now investigating whether Mrs Herald, from Dry Ridge, Kentucky, US is officially the smallest mother on earth.
Makya, who her mum says is "growing like a weed", is expected to reach an average height. But her 16-month-old sister Kateri suffers from the same condition as her mother, osteogenesis imperfecta.
Mrs Herald and her husband - who is 5ft 9in tall - believe their children are gifts from God.
She said: "My whole life I've been told that I wasn't able to have children."

I've just rummaged in the bottom of a drawer and found a marker pen so that I could write the letters 'R' and 'L' [for 'right' and 'left'] on the straps of my rucksack. I'm fed up of getting all tangled up and nearly pulling a muscle when putting the damned thing on my back.

So there were two men on a roof, pounding nails. One man pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what are you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other man looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

John O'Reilly won the pub's prize for best toast of the night with: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

O'Reilly went home to tell his wife Mary - only changing the toast to: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, very nice indeed." said Mary.

Next day Mary ran into one of the last night's pub denizens on the street corner.

"Aye, and John won the pub prize with his toast about you, Mary." he said with a leer.

"Indeed!" said Mary. "He told me. And I was a bit surprised myself. He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the last time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

When I first moved to Doncaster over ten years ago it cost £5 for a return journey of 120 miles to Leicester.

In a few hours' time I'll be visiting my parents in Thurnscoe - a return journey of only fifteen miles; but it will cost me £4.

I've just been looking on Sitemeter at the locations of the last one hundred visitors to the blog. I thought it might be interesting to write down some of these places and the words and phrases I associate with them.

York, Yorkshire, England: York stone, New York, Duke of York, Archbishop of York

Basildon, Essex, England: Basildon Bond (stationery brand.)

Chatham, Ontario, Canada: Chatham Naval Dockyards (Chatham, Kent, England.)

Laurel, Maryland, U.S.A.: Laurel & Hardy (comedians.)

Columbia, Tennessee, U.S.A.: Columbia space shuttle disaster.

London, England: London plane, Tower of London, London Eye, City of London.

Wellington, New Zealand: Duke of Wellington, Wellington boots.

Stockholm, Sweden: Stockholm syndrome.

Minden, Germany: Battle of Minden

Melton Mawbray, Leicestershire, England: Melton Mawbray pork pie.

Edinburgh, Scotland: Duke of Edinburgh.

Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England: Newcastle Brown Ale.

Nottingham, England: Sheriff of Nottingham, Nottingham lace.

Blaenau Ffestiniog, Wales: Blaenau Ffestiniog narrow gauge railway.

'So, my shopping this morning resulted in a toaster for £3.60 and a Mother's Day card for £3.10.'

- Someone commenting on their blog about a recent shopping trip.

(An interesting comparison.)

Dutch and Belgian cops are arguing over who will lead a murder hunt after a corpse was found on the border.
The dead body of a woman was found in a house which stands on both sides of the Holland-Belgium border in the Baarle-Hertog region.
Belgian prosecutors had begun investigating but Dutch cops say the corpse was in the side of the house over the Dutch border when it was found.
Officials from both forces have now said they may have to find the woman's next of kin before deciding who will investigate her death.

Baarle-Hertog/Baarle-Nassau is an interesting place. There are several dozen very small Belgium enclaves within Holland; there are even Dutch enclaves (some no more than a few square yards in area) within these small Belgian enclaves. As the report states, many houses are divided between the two countries. A very confusing place to live.

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

The Emperor Paul, of Russia, was so provoked by the awkwardness of an officer on review that he ordered him to resign at once and retire to his estate. "But he has no estate," the commander ventured. "Then give him one!" thundered the despot, whose word was law, and the man gained more by his blunders than he could have done by years of the most skillful service.

I've just been looking at Sitemeter to see who's been visiting my blog and noticed that I've recently had a visitor from Minden, Germany.

As a Yorkshireman, Minden is an important place to me because of the Battle of Minden (August 1st 1759); the reason being that as soldiers of the King's Own Yorkshire Light Infantry were advancing into battle they passed through some gardens and plucked white roses to stick onto their tunics.

'Minden Day' was thereafter celebrated annually in all battalions of the regiment on August 1st when the white rose of Yorkshire is worn by all ranks in their caps: and, of course, nowadays the white rose is the emblem of Yorkshire, and August 1st is celebrated as Yorkshire Day.'

I've just climbed the 27 steps up to my attic bedroom to water my rudbeckia seedlings which I've placed on the windowsill. Together with the steps down into the cellar, and five steps from my kitchen down into the garden; my house has 42 steps in total - meaning I must be climbing up and down at least a couple of hundred steps every day. It's one way of taking some exercise I suppose.

A man's life was saved by a chance handshake with a doctor who diagnosed him with a life-threatening tumour.
Mark Gurrieri, 36, was working at a restaurant when a friend introduced him to his dining partner, GP Chris Britt, reports the Daily Telegraph.
The two men shook hands and Dr Britt noticed Mr Gurrieri's huge, spongy-feeling hand and his large facial features as symptoms of acromegaly, a tumour at the base of the brain, which can be deadly if untreated.
Mr Gurrieri had the 2cm tumour diagnosed last month after doctors confirmed the rare condition.
"My mum thinks Chris is my guardian angel," he said.
"I could have lost my sight, or I could have had a number of other ailments, so I think I owe my life to Chris - and a few meals at the restaurant."
Dr Britt, 46, of Woodford Green, Essex, said he hadn't seen a case of acromegaly since he was a medical student.
"It's the sort of diagnosis you might make once in a career if you're lucky. It's so rare most GPs wouldn't have seen patients with it."

Regular readers of this blog will have noticed that I installed the Flagcounter widget a few days ago. It displays the flag of the country from which each visitor has accessed the blog. Unlike StatCounter and Sitemeter which only display the last 100 or 500 visitors, Flagcounter keeps a running total and displays a graphic representation of the twenty most popular locations. At the moment it shows that about 58% of my visitors are from the UK.

Flagcounter is very easy to install, it doesn't need you to submit your email address in order to receive the HTML code specific to your blog. I've not come across this before and haven't a clue as to how it works.

Because it's a leap year, and February has twenty nine days, yesterday I reset the date on my digital watch from 1 to 29. This morning I've had to reset it again; from 30 back to 1.

In response to the observation that volunteers are too often seen as amateurs: "Just remember: Noah's Ark was built by amateurs. The Titanic was built by professionals."