The alley gates at the back of the houses have been in place for over a week, yet every time I pass one it's always open. Maybe someone has to come from the council to perform an official opening ceremony...and close them.

Yesterday the BBC online weather forecast got it wrong; early in the day it was predicting rain, and then later on modified this to cloudy with sunny intervals. Actually it was sunny and quite warm for most of the day; had I known this I would have most likely gone for a walk along the river to Sprotbrough. Instead, I spent an hour in the garden planting out my lupin seedlings which are now between an inch and two inches tall and so should be alright, provided there isn't a really keen frost.

My favourite TV programmes at the moment.

Lost
House
CSI
CSI Miami
Cold Case
Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Heroes

They're all American. I wonder why.

Last night I was watching another strange Japanese film, Ichi The Killer, which featured a few unusual scenarios.

A blow-job brothel.
A woman who could only orgasm when she pulled the skin off a man's cheeks.
A gangster who could track down his enemies by sniffing vaginas.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

York and Lincoln are both about the same distance from Doncaster; approximately thirty miles. Both are beautiful cities, well-loved by tourists from all over the world, although I'd say more York is the better known, and more people visit that city.

I love both cities. I probably prefer York because I've visited it more often - it's only twenty minutes on the train, and there are two trains an hour. To visit Lincoln it takes an hour on the train and there's only one every two hours I think.

For me, the best thing about York is the City Walls; whenever I'm there I always try to walk along most of the three mile circuit. Lincoln has no city walls though, however it does have short sections of Roman wall surviving in gardens (York's Roman wall for the most part is buried beneath later masonry) and a splendid mediaeval castle - York's Clifford Tower is all that remains of two castles that were built in the city at various times.

Both cities have spectacular cathedrals, but York is larger (being the largest Gothic cathedral north of the Alps) and has more than half of the remaining mediaeval stained glass in the country. Both cities also have numerous mediaeval buildings, I think Lincoln might have slightly more…yet York has more old churches; literally dozens of them.

The best thing about Lincoln is its location right on the top of the Lincoln edge; meaning that the castle and cathedral loom spectacularly over the city from wherever you are.

Finally, I believe that York has more museums and galleries; including the National Railway Museum, which is free admission.

If there were to be special offers on the trains I'd love to visit both cities again; at the moment I'd choose Lincoln though, because I was looking at some photographs of the city on the Geograph website and noticed that there are some areas to the north and east of the cathedral that I don't know at all and would like to explore them.

To finish off this post here are a few more comparisons I can think of:

York is situated on the River Ouse and tourists are able to take boat trips down to the Archbishop of York's palace at Bishopthorpe, whereas Lincoln is situated on the Witham, an insignificant river; yet it does have Brayford Pool, a yachting marina.

Both cities are pretty poor when it comes to shopping - most of the shops and businesses are tailored to the tourist market though. Lincoln has a traditional indoor shopping centre in the city centre, whereas has a designer outlet in the suburbs.

Lincoln has a very busy and popular Christmas Market; York has the mystery plays.

From the Sky News online forum.

A Yorkshireman in Zimbabwe?

Spell Mugabe's name backwards and you can no longer take him seriously.

[I suppose 'ebagum' is an approximation of 'ee by gum.']

Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary's famed acumen and self-confidence briefly deserted him when he failed to back his own horse Hear The Echo to win the Irish Grand National at odds of 33-1.
The outsider ridden by Paddy Flood and trained by Michael 'Mouse' Morris easily knocked 6-1 favourite Royal County Star into second place at Ireland's top steeplechase on Monday.
"We had no money on him," The Irish Times newspaper quoted O'Leary as saying.
"I thought he was going out for a run to keep himself warm," said O'Leary, whose Gigginstown House Stud produced 2006 Cheltenham Gold Cup winner War of Attrition.

Well, that's not necessarily so. I've just had a heavy bleed this morning; my piles burst as I was sitting on the toilet. It's been my first bleed for over a year, and so although I'm feeling a little weak, the relief from symptoms for the next few weeks will be very welcome.

A couple have been barred from returning to their £1m home wrecked by last summer's floods - because newts have moved in.
John and Margie Histed have been forced to live in a caravan since their 18th-century house flooded, reports the Daily Express.
Repairs were almost complete to their home at Dauntsey, Wiltshire, when a blocked drainage ditch caused it to flood again.
And now they have been told they cannot unblock the ditch because the Environment Agency suspects great-crested newts might be living there.
Officials have ordered a three-month survey to look for the protected species and it could take several more months to relocate them if they are found.
In the meantime the Histeds have had to put their renovations on hold in case the property floods again.
Retired doctor Mrs Histed, 67, said: "I know it's the law, but it's very frustrating and bordering on the ridiculous that the fate of newts takes precedence over humans.
"Is it reasonable for us to just sit here and watch if the ditch floods our home again because there may be newts there?"
The survey is not expected to begin before June and the work to relocate the newts until the autumn.

Three times yesterday, in order to sign out of Hotmail I had to click on a button labelled 'malade'; which is the French word for 'ill' or 'sick.' I managed to sign out okay, but what's going on?
The rest of the page was how it normally is though…in English.

In York all the Streets are Gates, all the Gates are Bars and all the bars are Pubs.

A clever quote from the 'Visit York' website.

Bus passengers who travel along a route of more than 30 miles must get off the vehicle midway through their journey to comply with new EU laws.

The law has been described as a 'farce.'
The Brussels ruling dictates that drivers must pull over and let everyone off their bus after 30 miles, to ensure they do not spend too long behind the wheel.
Western Greyhound, a bus company operating in rural Devon and Cornwall, is among those affected.
Its Newquay to Plymouth route has been split in three, even though a single driver is used for the entire distance.
The driver is obliged to pull over and ask everyone to get off before the route number on the front of the vehicle is changed, and all the passengers are invited back on board.
Passengers have been told they must buy three tickets to complete the route, and they must also break their journey twice.
Western Greyhound managing director Mark Howarth said: “It’s a farce. We have to kick customers off as soon as the driver hits the 30-mile limit.
“Often it’s in the middle of nowhere. The passengers think we are crazy.
“We’re caught up in something aimed at long-distance truckers.”
Liberal Democrat transport spokesman Norman Baker has written to Transport Secretary Ruth Kelly asking that bus companies are able to opt-out of the law.
He said: “These rules don’t stop buses running more than 30 miles.
“All they do is inconvenience the passengers who have to keep getting on and off. It’s like an Ealing comedy.”
Long-distance coach journeys are exempt from the law.

I was in Farm Foods frozen food store a few minutes ago and went up to the till to pay for some frozen fish fillets. Although the price of £1 was written in large lettering on the box, the assistant tried to charge me £1.25 because that's what came up on the till when he scanned the box. I told him that the price was only £1 and explained to him that the relevant consumer protection legislation staes that you can't overcharge people. Anyhow, I knew my rights and insisted that he call for the manageress; she was very polite, confirmed everything I said and only charged me £1.

By the way, I've used the word 'professional' in the title because although I'm unemployed, I consider myself to be a professional consumer champion - or, if you prefer, complainer.

I've just been watching BBC News 24 and there were six programme trailers or promotional videos shown before the six o'clock news headlines. Why can't commercial advertisements be shown at this time and generate a bit of money so that the cost of the licence fee can be reduced?

Bidding for a cornflake resembling the US state of Illinois has reached more than £100,000 on eBay.

Two sisters listed 'The Great Illinois Corn Flake' on the auction site, promising it had undergone no cosmetic alterations.
Emily McIntire, a 15-year-old in high school from Chesapeake, Virginia, said she was grabbing fistfuls of cereal on her way to class when she found the flake.
"It was almost to my mouth, it didn't look like Illinois at first because it was held the wrong way," she said.
But then she noticed the resemblance and said: "Oh my goodness, it's Illinois."
Her 23-year-old sister, Melissa, said their parents suggested selling it for fun. They're offering free shipping, providing the buyer is in Illinois.
"At the moment it's residing in a fine jewellery box with a lot of cotton wrapped around it to keep it safe," said Melissa.
The McIntire sisters say they've decided to use the proceeds from the eBay sale to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes.
"We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa said. "We like cereal."

Last night at my friend's house we watched a very strange Korean film called 'Save The Green Planet'. I first saw this film online last year and really enjoyed it, and so when I came across it again I sent my friend the link.

Two things I can remember him commenting about;
1…The main female character is an obese tightrope-walking dwarf
2…In one scene a retired police office is typing with a mackerel.

Yesterday I went to the cemetery, and then to my friend's house in the evening. Although it was a Sunday service I seemed to spent less time than usual waiting for buses than I normally do - just lucky timing I suppose.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

It was a brave man who was the first to eat an oyster. - Mark Twain

'Braver than me.' - My Response

Is it possible to accidentally copy and paste an entire Microsoft Word 97 file without even opening it? My computer seemed to be trying to do this when I clumsily clicked on about three different files at once.

A German pensioner is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg - and woke up to find she had been given a new anus.
The clinic in Hochfranken in Bavaria has suspended the surgical team concerned after they apparently mixed up the notes for two patients.
The woman complainant was expecting an operation on her leg, while another patient, suffering from incontinence, was scheduled for surgery on her sphincter.
The woman, who still needs to have the leg operation, is planning to sue the hospital and is looking around for another hospital to carry out the work.

My lupine seedlings are already an inch taller than my rudbeckia [black-eyed Susan] seedlings, although they were planted three weeks later; in fact the rudbeckias have hardly grown at all for the last month. This is a bit unusual, since according to the seed packets, the lupines aren't due to flower until next summer, whereas the rudbeckias should bloom this July.

A company has produced a, 25-piece survival kit inside a sardine tin.

The kit includes one of each of the following items: non-aspirin pain reliever, adhesive bandage, alcohol prep pad, antibiotic ointment, book of matches, compass, chewing gum, sugar, salt, energy nugget, duct tape, fire starter cube, first aid instructions, fish hook & line, note paper, pencil, razor blade, safety pin, reflective signal surface, tea bag, waterproof bag, whistle, and wire clip.

It's snowing heavily...and it's settling - it's already about an inch deep. The BBC weather forecaster has just said that statistically snow is more likely at Easter than Christmas; I suppose it has been even likelier this year since Easter has fallen so early; apparently it won't be as early again for another 220 years.

I've just been speaking on the phone to an editor of a poetry magazine and he wasn't too impressed that I don't keep records about who I've sent my poems to, and when I sent them. Because I couldn't provide him with any details he just put the phone down…so it looks like my work won't be appearing in his magazine. Well, it's more his loss than it is mine…I still know that the poems are good enough to be published [because he phoned me up] and will most likely end up being published elsewhere.

I write poetry as a hobby; it's not a bloody business where I have to keep detailed accounts for my accountant or the taxman…I like the random element of submitting work for publication whereby I never know where or when it will be published until I actually receive a copy of the magazine in the post, or see it online.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

It's not the weather for walking at the moment - it's snowing outside. However, I've just been looking at an online Ordnance Survey map of the Hooton Roberts area and it looks like there's some decent walking country there. I don't really know the area; but it's quite easy to get there on public transport - it's situated on the main A630 Sheffield road, just beyond Conisbrough, and there are six buses an hour. In five weeks' time my brother finished his workfare placement at Barnsley and so I'll ask him if he might fancy joining me when the weather is a bit warmer.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

… but I like these a lot:

Chocolate - the darker, the better
Milk
Tetris
The internet
Science fiction
Touching interesting surfaces and textures

I found this bit of doggerel in the online edition of The Times - it sums up the state of politics nicely.

At Downing Street upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't Blair.
He wasn't Blair again today.
Oh how I wish he'd go away.

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yes, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shite eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yes, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm off to France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yes,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and everyone sits down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing…..

........Away Gauls count double."

References to local towns:

Doncaster - the penis (a reference to 'dong' and 'dildo')

Barnsley - a female who drinks and smokes heavily, usually to the severe detriment to her health
- someone who crashes forklift trucks into walls

Sheffield - an out-of-work prostitute, usually seen hanging around them bars looking for desperate clients

Pontefract - anything that sounds like it is Welsh, or in Wales; but actually isn't

Scunthorpe - a sly way of calling someone a 'cunt'