Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I had a kipper for my tea yesterday. The fishmonger on the market had put out a sign stating that it was fresh. Can smoked fish ever be fresh though?

My computer can't be repaired, and since I can't really afford to buy a new one I've had to terminate my broadband contract with BT.

BT initially said that I was tied in to my contract until September and so would be charged an extra £120 on my next bill. The customer services person was argiung that I had taken on a new contract last September - I disagreed though and claimed that the terms and conditions of my existing contract were changed by the company and this does not mean that I had actually signed a new contract...with a cancellation penalty.

Anyhow, I complained and asked to speak to someone in charge; they listened to a recording of the original phonecall and agreed that I was still on my original contract and only need give a month's notice. I'll not know what they've done until my next bill though.

So...I'll have to blog from the library now - I'm in here most days though.

I thought that by now I'd be posting from home, but another problem has arisen with my computer; this time it's something to do with WinZip files that requires even more software to be installed before I can get online again.

So...I'm still posting from the library. I've noticed that here at the library the layout of my blog as it appears on the screen is different to at home; the content filter blocks all adverts and my Flagcounter widget doesn't display.

Kylie Minogue was recently interviewed and said that she doesn't want children. Well, I've always known that I don't want children, and won't be having children - I don't like them. I've always known this; even when I was a child.

Mick, my friend who is fixing my computer, prefers ladies' backsides, whereas I prefer a bit of cleavage. When walking down the street he frequently finds himself spending several minutes admiring an attractive posterior; however, in my case, I notice an attractive woman, she approaches me for a few seconds...and then she's gone.

I went for a walk with my brother along the Chesterfield Canal yesterday,from Retford to Worksop; ten miles, very flat and a bit boring at times - but the weather was perfect.

The walk took us four and a half hours, and in all that time we only saw one boat actually travelling on the water - a lot quieter than the canals around Doncaster.

I'm still aching this morning; not just my leg muscles, but my arms and neck too.

I'm still posting from the library. There's some good news about my computer though. Mick, my friend, has locatedthe missing drivers and burnt them onto a CD, so I'm hoping to back online by the weekend.

My friend was unable to locate the virus or corrupted file that was causing the problem and so he purged the hard drive and re-installed the operating system.

However, then the problems began: the software for my internet access couldn't be loaded because the screen resolution was too low; so he'll have to find some sort of conversion program and the appropriate driver.

Once the connexion has been re-established an anti-virus program will have to be installed, plus a driver for my sound card, and hopefully some remaining updates for Windows 98SE and Internet Explorer...oh, and an office/wordprocessing package.

The next tasks will be to install the software for the printer/scanner and webcam.

At this stage I should be able to continue by myself; downloading MSN Messenger, various media players...and set my bookmarks that I can remember.

I suspect that even if I were to actually buy a new computer, the process of getting back online would still be nearly as complicated - this puts off so many people from using the internet.

Hopefully he'll be able to sort out my computer tomorrow. In the meantime we'll be watching another strange Japanese film. I found the link to the download a couple of weeks ago; I hope it still works.

I'm still posting from the library.

My friend popped round last night to have a quick look at the computer. It's good news - my hard drive hasn't failed! It seems that I've somehow downloaded a virus that's corrupted one of my files...obviously a very important one. The most likely source would be the last site I visited; a U.S. Radio Station. My friend was unable to remove the virus and repair my system though.

He'll have another go at the weekend; if it can't be removed the entire operating system and all my software will have to be re-installed.

I'm posting from the library this morning because my computer is broken. It might need a new hard drive, and even if it doesn't it will need a re-installation of the operating system. My friend's popping round at the weekend to have a look at it; so I shall be offline until then at least.

I'm only allowed thirty minutes on the computer and so I won't be able to do any commenting...I'll just have enough time to check my emails.

Madeira Cake
Nice Biscuits
Montelimar Nougat
Viennese Whirls
Danish Pastries
Brussels Sprouts
Edam Cheese
Gouda Cheese
Emmenthal Cheese
Parma Ham
Gorgonzola Cheese
Gruyere Cheese
'Swiss Cheese'

Madeira [wine]
Port(wine) - Oporto
Sherry - Jerez de la Frontera, Spain
Cognac
Champagne

I like some items in this list. It wouldn't be a healthy diet on its own though. It's not a complete list either - it's just what I can think of now.

I've just got out of the bath. Although the water was steaming hot, as soon as I put my toes into the water they felt ice cold for a few seconds. Sometimes this happens; maybe it's a problem with my circulatory system - I don't know, I've never mentioned it to the doctor.

My extremities; feet, fingers, nose, ears [and yes, even my penis sometimes] also feel like they're burning when the weather is really cold.

I noticed that they were selling faggots cheap in town this morning. When you've got itchy and sore piles like I have though, the last thing you need is faggots.

A teenager called directory inquiries to book a taxi but ended up having a cabinet delivered – because she asked for a “cab, innit”.
The 19-year-old Londoner wanted a taxi to take her from her home to Bristol Airport, and first asked for the number using the Cockney rhyming slang “Joe Baxi”.
When the baffled operator told her she could not find anyone listed by that name, the teen snapped back: “It ain’t a person, it’s a cab, innit.”
The operator then found the nearest cabinet shop, Displaysense, and put the girl through.
She then spoke to an equally bemused saleswoman and eventually fumed: “Look love, how hard is it? All I want is your cheapest cab, innit.
I need it for 10am. How much is it?”
The sales adviser said it would be £180 and the girl gave her address and paid with a credit card.
The next morning, the company delivered an office cabinet to her home in South London.
The girl then called back in a fury and Displaysense finally realised the mistake.
The firm, of Bishop’s Stortford, Herts, has now apologised and refunded her cash after the mix-up two weeks ago.
Marketing manager Steve Whittle said yesterday: “We thought it was a joke at first but the girl was absolutely livid.
“We have suggested that maybe she should speak a bit clearer on the phone.”

I spend quite a bit of time on the Biased BBC blogsite, and recently there has been a lot of discussion about exactly what the BBC should, and shouldn't be doing.

Here are my thoughts on the BBC.

What it shouldn't be broadcasting.

Reality programmes.
Soap operas.
Quiz shows.
Chart music radio services.
Ethnic minority programming.

It also shouldn't be giving free publicity to Andrew Lloyd Webber's theatrical company and Camelot [the National Lottery] every Saturday night or sending over four hundred people to cover the Olympic Games in Peking.

What it should be broadcasting.

BBC Parliament - including more coverage of local politics.
Schools programmes.
More local TV and radio programmes - in particular a regional radio news service for Yorkshire - London has such a service, so why can't we?
Broadcasts of all music and theatrical productions receiving public subsidy.
Guided tours of all the national museums [not everyone can easily get to London]
Independent and foreign-language films.
More local interest programmes from different parts of the country broadcast nationally.
Unbiased news, and a re-focusing of its priorities - in particular more local news, and news from Europe that's not about the EU.
Programming about the people, culture, history and geography of Great Britain.
Live sports coverage.
Live broadcasts of university lectures.
Programmes about how the law works, how local and national government is organised, how public services and utilities are funded and operate.
Broadcasting Open University programmes again.

Preferably though I'd just like to see the licence fee abolished, or significantly reduced by drastically cutting back on BBC services.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Last week I posted the first draft of a report which I'm hoping to present to jobcentre management sometime later this year.

I'm now posting some more text that I've included in the second draft.

Many people who are long-term unemployed live chaotic and marginal lifestyles; frequently not having easy access to services that most people take for granted. There was one particular example of a person living under such circumstances that aptly sums up the problem that enforced attendance at a jobsearch programme full-time for five days a week can actually make practical real-world jobsearch impossible.

Like several thousand other people in Doncaster, Gerald was living in a mobile home on a site where there was no landline telephone service provided; and because he was unemployed he couldn't afford a mobile phone . Mail wasn't delivered to individual addresses either, he was only able to collect it from the site office between 10:00 a.m. and noon…but of course he was doing jobsearch in town at that time, and so could only effectively collect any letters on a Saturday morning. I can recall one particular Monday morning when one of the rather more enthusiastic young women in the office was wanting him to apply for a job where the closing date for applications was that Friday. Gerald explained to her that it would be a waste of time phoning up and asking for an application form because he wouldn't have access to his mail again until Saturday. She seemed to have difficulty in understanding the problem.

Of course, the best way to get people such as Gerald back into work is to actually provide them with decent housing where they are able to have a telephone line installed and have letters delivered through their own letterbox in the morning…but, of course, this isn't the responsibility of the Department for Work and Pensions, is it? I think a bit of co-operation between different government departments is required here.

Sometimes I think that the private companies that win contracts to provide jobsearch services for the DWP just aren't up to the job. Over the years I've seen examples of there being too many people for the facilities provided, with many of these facilities being out-of-date or of no practical value. One personal example I can give occurred at Barnsley many years ago when I was offered the opportunity to take a psychometric test on the computer, which would tell me which would be the most suitable type of jobs for me to apply for. It was immediately obvious that it was an American program I was using, and I was soon frustrated by the fact that I couldn't answer many of the questions because none of the options applied to me; there was no account taken of the fact that I can't drive and have never had a job…the programming just assumed these facts as given.

After spending an hour taking the test it suggested I should be a linesman on the railroad, or a Congressional lobbyist…not really appropriate for Barnsley.

When I went to sign on on Monday I was told that I'd been called in for another interview at the jobcentre on Friday week. There's a very real chance that I'll get sent on another useless scheme and then won't be eligible for the First Step programme for possibly another two years...how bloody pointless! I'll have to hurry up and get something approaching a final version of the report ready for the 18th - because this might well be the last opportunity I get. Hopefully by then, Brian, the occupational psychotherapist who's mentoring the scheme will have enough information.

A Gloucestershire mother-of-two says her pet Labrador saved her life by helping discover she had breast cancer.

Anna Davis, 38, was out walking when her playful dog Wispa leapt up and pawed her chest.
The teaching assistant told The Sun: "My breast hurt - and I felt a lump.
"If Wispa had not jumped up, I might not have found out in time. I owe my life to her."
Surgeons removed the lymph nodes of Anna, from Tewkesbury, who is now in remission after undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
Experts believe the actions of Wispa could have been intentional.
Claire Guest, who works for Cancer and Biodetection in Dogs, said: "Our studies prove dogs are able to distinguish the smell of cancer cells."

I grew up in Thurnscoe and Great Houghton; about seven and nine miles to the west of Doncaster. Here's a list of some of changes that have happened to the villages that I can recall…some changes are good, but some are definitely bad.

The secondary school I attended is now the largest school for autistic children in the world and local children have to travel on buses to attend school in the next village/town.

The third house I lived in has been demolished as part of a major regeneration programme.

Many of the footpaths I used to walk along as a child and young adult are now quite overgrown.

Both of the coal mines where my father used to work closed about twenty years ago; replaced by a housing estate and industrial development.

One of the railway lines that operated through Thurnscoe has now closed, yet the other remains open and had its passenger services to the village re-instated in 1988.

The air in Thurnscoe and neighbouring villages is now a lot cleaner since the thirty collieries and two coke production plants within a five mile radius have been closed.

Two local sewage farms have closed…I'm not even sure where effluent goes to be processed now.

A line of high voltage electricity pylons which used to pass right over the houses was re-aligned by a couple of hundred yards about thirty years ago.

Three local police stations have closed and one now only opens for limited hours.

The local retained fire station has closed.

A local junior school [that I didn't attend] has closed and sheltered accommodation for elderly people has been built on the site.

The local swimming baths closed and a polyclinic has been built on the site.

One local library has closed.

Two local independent bus companies have gone out of business.

A beautiful country park and sculpture trail has been established on the site of an old colliery spoil heap - I absolutely love the place, it has fantastic views towards to Pennines!

When I visited my parents yesterday my dad give me a pair of shoes that he's hardly worn because they're a bit too tight. They fit me fine though, in fact they're very comfortable...but not very practical. I've been wearing them going round the shops this morning and have ended with sore insteps and cramp in my calf muscles because of the lack of support and padding in the shoes. So it looks like they're going to make a nice pair of slippers.

A Bosnian man whose home has been hit an incredible five times by meteorites believes he is being targeted by aliens.
Experts at Belgrade University have confirmed that all the rocks Radivoje Lajic has handed over were meteorites.
They are now investigating local magnetic fields to try and work out what makes the property so attractive to the heavenly bodies.
But Mr Lajic, who has had a steel girder reinforced roof put on the house he owns in the northern village of Gornja Lamovite, has an alternative explanation.
He said: "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit five times has to be deliberate."
The first meteorite fell on his house in November last year and since then a further four have smashed into his home. The strikes always happen when it is raining heavily, never when there are clear skies.
He said: "I did not know what the strange-looking stones were at first but I have since had them all confirmed as meteorites by experts at Belgrade University.
"I am being targeted by aliens. They are playing games with me. I don't know why they are doing this. When it rains I can't sleep for worrying about another strike."

Something rare happened today. The cost of my Dayrover bus ticket has been reduced from £4 to £3.50. This is because the Stagecoach network is a lot smaller in Yorkshire now, and so you can't travel as far. The reduction in the number of services mainly effects the Huddersfild area where the routes are now operated by Arriva in Yorkshire. I can still travel to Thurnscoe to visit my parents using the Stagecoach Dearne Valley Rover ticket...in fact Stagecoach is the only bus company that serves Thurnscoe from any destination.

I shall be visiting my parents again later this morning and, as usual, my mum will be cooking a delicious traditional family meal - she mentioned rabbit stew on the phone the other day. She's always been a good cook, but since being diagnosed with coeliac disease and having to eat a severely restricted diet she tends to buy in a lot more ready-prepared ingredients these days - I suppose it would be frustrating having to cook food that you're unable to eat.

A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor's widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
No foul play was suspected in 69-year-old Sonny Graham's death at his Vidalia, Ga., home, investigators said. He was found Tuesday in a utility building in his backyard with a single shotgun wound to the throat, said Greg Harvey, a special agent with the Georgia Bureau of Investigation.

I need to sit a few inches away from my desk so that I can stretch my legs and fully extend my arm when using the mouse; however I also have to sit nearer so that I have something to rest my arms on whilst using the keyboard.

One of these days I'll have to get around to getting a proper ergonomic computer workstation...or maybe an ergonomically-designed body.

This man says to his friend, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His friend says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The man says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.

How to be a Good Wife

Excerpt from a 1950's high school home economics textbook

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

At four o'clock today I'll be listening to the radio commentary of the F.A. Cup semi-final match between Barnsley and Cardiff City. I won't be able to watch it live on TV because the BBC isn't broadcasting it...unlike yesterday's other semi-final.

I wasn't aware that viewers here in Yorkshire pay less for our compulsory TV licences than people in other parts of the country...we certainly get an inferior service though.

A woman went to the doctor's surgery, where she was

seen by a young, new doctor. After about five minutes

in the examination room, the doctor told her she was

pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem

was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had

her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where

the first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old,

she has four grown children and seven grandchilden,

and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and

without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

I watched another strange Korean film with my friend last night - The Host. A giant mutant fishmonster captured a young girl and took her to its lair in the sewers underneath the city. Her narcoleptic father, who was also an insomniac, together with the rest of the family, mounted a rescue bid...not forgetting their Pot Noodles and kettle!

It was great fun.

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.

"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your
life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle.

A typical example of the behaviour and attitudes of the metropolitan elite.

Cabbie gets wrong Stamford Bridge

A cabbie taking Earl Spencer's daughter to a Chelsea match ended up in Yorkshire after a sat nav blunder.
Princess Diana's niece and a pal wanted a cab 85 miles from Althorp, Northants, to Stamford Bridge in London.
But the sat nav sent the driver 146 miles away to the village of Stamford Bridge, East Yorks, reports The Sun.
Paul Achiampong, owner of Northampton-based Mayfair Taxis, was due to meet the Earl, 43, to apologise.
He said: "We do 20,000 journeys a month and mistakes can happen. But I admit this is a big one. I'm still trying to figure out how that was possible."
A spokeswoman for Althorp estate, where Diana is buried, said the matter would be sorted amicably.
She would not say which of the Earl's three teenage daughters was involved. She missed Chelsea's 2-1 victory over Arsenal on Easter Sunday.

It's raining - but it's forecast to be a lot heavier later.

I was walking by a ex-catalogue discount shop and noticed a hand-written sign in the window which read 'Wetter Station £3.99'. How appropriate this morning! Of course, it should have read 'weather station £3.99.'

A few minutes later I popped into a shop and was undercharged by 22p.

I've just read that the Odeon Cinema in town has closed; no more cheap Tuesday afternoon visits with my brother then.

At least the building won't be demolished; it's a grade II listed building - a quite interesting Art Deco cinema built in 1934, I think. [There's a horrible 1970's façade that will need removing by the new owners though]

This is the draft copy of a report/presentation that I've been working on for the last few days. I'm on this pilot programme being run at Reed in Partnerhip and I've been asked to produce this document so that their members of staff are aware of some of the issues involved with long-term unemployment, and hopefully I'll get the opportunity later to actually deliver the report to senior management at the Department for Work and Pensions...or even do a presentation. It should give them plenty to think about.

Left school 1978; the year that most local pits stopped recruiting school-leavers/apprentices. A few months earlier I had been told by visiting careers officer that I was best suited to being a civil servant. I didn't really know what this meant and fantasised that there was a school of espionage and seduction at the back of Barnsley Town Hall. All I ever imagined doing though was working in pit offices or for the council - there were very few other employment opportunities available.

Didn't find a job and so attended Mexborough Sixth Form College, hoping job situation would improve, but it didn't. Couldn't take any advantage of social and extracurricular activities available because of lack of transport…and attitude of my parents.

1980 - signing on at Goldthorpe Jobcentre. For first six months spent up to thirty minutes queuing outside just to get into building and sign on. No support whatsoever, no job club, no help with stationery or bus fares. I soon began to realise that I was applying for the same jobs as recent school-leavers, but being 18 years old an employer would be obliged to pay me higher wages, yet I was no more experienced.

Whilst still living at Thurnscoe I was sent to attend jobclubs or various training programmes in Barnsley, Wakefield, South Elmsall, Mexborough, Rotherham, Doncaster and Sheffield. Nothing worked for me. I felt that I was just a statistic to be processed; my details merely boxes to be ticked. I often felt I was placed in groups with people I had very little in common with.

Moved to Doncaster eleven years ago and have attended courses/schemes/programmes at eight venues…still haven't found paid employment.

Some of my experiences and comments about these places:

At one venue the whole idea was some sort of group confessional whereby each one of us spend several hours explaining our circumstances and then receive feedback/comment/criticism from the rest of the group. Included in this group were two teenage lads wearing tags on their ankles who were keen to show off to the 'available' young lady in the group. I had a word with the person running the group and explained that it might not necessarily be a good idea to have me commenting on the lifestyles and attitudes of these two young gentlemen and it was agreed to transfer me to another office. Additionally, another member of this group was a middle-aged woman with some sort of compulsive/obsessive disorder who would pounce on a cup as soon as she thought it was empty and spend the next ten minutes in the kitchen washing it. She would also patrol around the table making sure that everyone's pens and sheets of paper were always precisely parallel with the edge of the table. She shouldn't have been on that particular programme; she needed medical help and intervention.

On another occasion I was expelled from a programme for sending off too many applications and costing the company too much in postage. At another place I received a written warning about my behaviour because I complained that on the ethnic monitoring form that we were required to complete I couldn't identify myself as ethnic English, yet people who were Scottish, Irish and Welsh were provided with a box they could tick; so could people who considered themselves to be Chinese, Turkish, Caribbean, Albanian, Indian, Pakistani or Bangladeshi - I was only allowed to be 'White British'. Identity is very important; many people closely identify with their job, but when you're unemployed other aspects of a person's identity, such as gender, age and ethnicity become so much more important…and then to be denied the opportunity to express one of these [one's ethnicity] is surely in breach of a person's basic human rights. Yet the DWP and its agents continue with this unfair and discriminatory policy.

This is just one specific example of where I consider that the whole jobcentre/DSS/training providers system discriminates against me and people in similar circumstances and is failing to recognise the specific demographics of unemployed people. Whilst not wanting to criticise any individuals, or having any reason to criticise anyone, the people who work in the 'industry' are mainly female and young - however, many, if not a majority, of claimants are male and middle-aged. Additionally, the ethnic origin of the people featured on DSS posters and literature is not representative of the people who are unemployed in Doncaster and many other towns - this immediately creates resentment and makes people feel as though they are not really welcome, and their individual needs not prioritised.

There are successful and well-funded schemes and programmes for all sorts of people; women returners to the labour market, people recently released from prison and under the care of the Probation Service, people who have difficulty with numeracy or literacy, disabled people…and probably many more: but why is no effort being put into finding work for an entire lost generation of men such as myself, now in our forties who have been unemployed for most of the last thirty years, due quite specifically to the collapse of the mining, steel, and shipbuilding industries? Where is the support? Where are the initiatives? Of course, our fathers weren't counted as unemployed; they were all persuaded to become long-term claimants of sickness and disability benefits.

One time [this is the only time I felt I needed to complain about someone's attitude] I was on a scheme in Mexborough and the young woman running the group asked what 'curriculum vitae' meant, and so I told her…she seemed somewhat taken aback and then made some patronising remark about myself and Thurnscoe. I just got up and left the room, returned to the jobcentre and told them what had happened. Under no circumstances will I be treated in this manner. This behaviour by the group facilitator, although extreme, is quite typical of the attitude of many people at the jobcentre or training providers who assume that because you are long-term unemployed you are somehow lacking intellectually; it is insulting, time after time again to be forced to undertake basic numeracy and literacy tests when I've got 'A' levels in both English and maths - this does not put me in a positive frame of mind to be participating in whole process.

I've not only been sent on various jobsearch courses/programmes/initiatives. Over twenty years ago I was 'employed' on a 'Community Programme' initiative. This was the best experience I have had with anything organised by the DSS - it was proper work - doing work that needed doing in the community, and it paid the going rate for the job - £60 for 24 hours a week I think…good wages for the mid 1980s.

I've also been sent to do a six month period of workfare. I really enjoyed going on this placement; it was with a barge-based charity at Thorne and I enjoyed both the community development aspect of the job, and the regular opportunities to be out on the canal. However, if I had not landed such a fortuitous placement I would have been very angry and resentful - would any of you here work 34 hours for the benefits I receive and a free bus pass…£40 per week after I've paid the contribution to my rent?

More recently I participated in the Transitional Labour Market scheme and was employed by a local charity for six months and received minimum wage plus tax credits - a lot of money to me. It was only a fixed term contract though with no chance of it ever leading to permanent employment.

I've been informed that I'm perceived to be aggressive and unco-operative by the staff at the jobcentre because I refuse to be cowered and keep pressing them with positive ideas about how I might be helped. Yes, some of this suggestions might be impractical, and they, as an individual member of staff will have no authority to implement these suggestions. This is not me being UNCO-OPERATIVE though; it is me being positive and pro-active. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere though.

To be fair, sometimes a member of staff at the jobcentre will come up with a suggestion. There was the occasion it was hinted that I need to do some unofficial work (i.e. whilst still signing on and claiming benefits) just so that I would have something to put on my C.V. Naturally, I'm aware that this is illegal and so asked for this advice to be put in writing…

In conclusion I should like to say that from my point of view every intervention made by the jobcentre in the last thirty years has been a complete waste of time and has even had a detrimental effect - on two occasions causing me to have a nervous breakdown. Throughout this period of time, not once have I come into contact with an employer and given the opportunity to show what I am capable of; that's why the First Step programme is so important to me; it will allow me to get out into the workforce and have my capabilities [and weaknesses] assessed, hopefully leading to full-time, permanent unsupported employment. Nothing else has worked for thirty years.

A brilliant quote taken from the Daily Telegraph website, commenting on the government's plans to build 'eco-towns' on green belt sites with poor public transport links.

Yes, but also on a global scale, all this P.C./Greenpeace/middle-class eco-guff about global warming completely ignores the one thing that is responsible for mankind's impact on the globe. It's not what we're doing, but the number of us doing it.

A billion people getting in their cars to drive to the recycling centre?

Access to water is a fundamental human need and therefore a basic human right.
Kofi Annan - Former U.N. Secretary General

What else should be included? Well, here's my list.

Food
Shelter/Warmth
Education
Identity/Language/Culture
Health Care
Freedom of Speech/Thought/Expression
Freedom of Association
Equality Under The Law

Personally, I've never been truly hungry; but at times I've had to survive on a very poor diet which hasn't been good for my health. When I was doing voluntary work about fifteen years a woman collapsed in the office because she'd not eaten for three days though.

I've never been homeless, or even had to sleep on friends' or family members' sofas. My house doesn't have central heating and sometimes it is quite cold, damp and draughty - but I just wear several layers of clothing to keep me warm.

I've been well-educated…it hasn't allowed me to escape from my upbringing though.

I've got no complaints about the National Health Service.

Because of the cult of political correctness I am convinced that my freedom of expression has been significantly curtailed. Likewise I feel that my identity, language and culture is being subsumed.

On a couple of occasions I have been prevented from legally going about my business by the police…for no acceptable reason.

I don't really have equality under the law when compared to a rich person or someone who has the machinery of political correctness and multiculturalism fighting on their behalf. Fortunately, apart from being a Poll Tax rebel, I haven't really come into contact with the criminal justice system.

Turkey court mulls party ban case

This is a headline from the BBC Online news page. What exactly does it mean though?

Is there a special court for turkeys?
Does the King of the Turkeys have his own royal household?
Have turkeys been having a party and drinking too much mulled wine, and now they're banned from having any more parties?
Have turkeys formed their own political party and are now planning ousting Gordon Brown frm power?

A Brighton flat is on the market with a bath in the kitchen and the only toilet on the balcony.
The property in Hanover Street, Brighton, one of the most unusual in the country, is expected to fetch between £100,000 and £130,000 at auction next month.
The four room flat boasts the innovative kitchen space-saving feature of a bath with a hinged worktop, reports the Brighton Argus.
Auction manager Nick Muston, of estate agents Austin Gray, said: "It's an extraordinary place.

I had a new eating experience yesterday - dark chocolate with lemon essence and a touch of black pepper - absolutely delicious.

Your horn sticks on the motorway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call the Samaritans and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realise that you just sprayed Pledge under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humour is putting super glue in your Hemmoroid cream.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to search for the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume... and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front doorstep.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, night porter, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chips.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realise that you have memorised the back of your cereal box.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driving licence picture.
You realise that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.

You'd probably think that this posting is an April Fools' joke; but it isn't - it's a genuine news report that appeared a few days ago.

Flybe has given the term low-fare airline an entirely new meaning: it is paying 172 people to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to help it meet a target for passenger numbers at Norwich airport.
Flybe was narrowly falling short of a target to deliver at least 15,000 passengers on the Dublin-Norwich route in the 12 months ending on Monday, which meant it would have to forego a 280,000 pound ($550,000) rebate from the airport.
After the airport rejected a request for a partial rebate for almost hitting the target, Flybe hired 172 temps for 30-40 pounds each, plus a free bar and in-flight entertainment.

This morning at nine o'clock there were several dozen teenagers queuing outside the HMV shop. I'm assuming today a new computer/video game is released, or possibly a minor celebrity is visiting. Come to think of it though...I can't imagine even a minor celebrity being up for an early start.

For a few seconds I thought another bank had gone bankrupt.

Last week I wrote about complaining because I was overcharged at Farm Foods and commented that I ought to be a professional complainer. Well, I do complain a lot, and am usually successful.

Here's a list of the results of successful outcomes I can remember.

A large box of Mars confectionery

Vouchers for free rail travel (several occasions)

£20 credit on my Nectar Card at Sainsbury's

A £2 voucher from Mars

A £25 voucher and a large [family sized] chocolate orange gateau from Iceland

Two free cinema tickets

A free daily travel pass from Arriva Buses

Full refunds [not replacement goods] several times.

Additionally, on one occasion I was so impressed with a new product that I wrote to the manufacturer and received a very pleasant thank you letter…and a £5 voucher.