Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

For several years Doncaster didn't have a bookshop; it's now got two though - a branch of Waterstone's and a shop which sells out-of-print books.

There's also the secondhand market on a Wednesday which is very good for books; I spent nearly an hour just browsing this week.

From the 11-14 September English Heritage is allowing free admission to many of its properties. This year there are several local venues that I'll suggest to my brother that we go and visit.

Conisbrough Castle
The Mansion House, Doncaster
The gardens at Brodsworth Hall

A good year:

Pot Marigolds
Rudbeckias/Black-eyed-Susans
Buddleia
Fuchsia
Welsh Poppies

A bad year

Eschscholtzia/Californian Poppies
Hollyhocks

It's also been a bad year for butterflies in my garden - I've hardly seen any at all on the buddleia bush which usually attracts plenty of them.

Sent to me by my sister in Australia.

Rob is a commercial saturation
diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs
on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would
share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office.
It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece
of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful
temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose
which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was
going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my bum started to burn!
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had
sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it.
However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with
five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to
begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I
was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because
my bum was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

I was listening to a discussion on the radio yesterday about the possibility of entering a Great Britain football team in the London 2012 Olympics.

I think it would be a bad idea, possibly compromising the independent status of all the home nations' associations; additionally any unified team, for political reasons, would need to include two Scottish players and one each from Wales and Northern Ireland...even if a better England-qualified player was available.

About fifteen years ago when the World Student Games were held in Sheffield I went to see some of the football matches, including one featuring a Great Britain team; to me it seemed very strange hearing people cheer the team...and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Well; I've fathomed out how to use the basic functions of the mobile phone - a couple of people had to show me what to do though. I find using it to be very fiddlely with its small size and each key having several functions.

I've just returned to town after catching an early bus and going for a walk in the countryside; early morning is my favourite part of the day; especially when the sun is illuminating the Pennines to the west.

Although not specifically on the lookout for wildlife I did spot two grey squirrels [I've never seen a native red squirrel though], a rabbit, two partridges at close quarters...and the longest slug I've ever seen [about 5 ins.]

I got the mobile phone yesterday that's been provided by the employment/training agency and haven't a clue how to use it yet. The instruction leaflet isn't much use since it assumes that I've already owned a mobile phone and am competent with the basic functions.

Specifically, I can't even switch it on, or set it to standby mode so that it's able to receive incoming calls. I can't enter any contact details because I don't know how to enter text - the instructions just read 'enter text'...mind you, I need to fathom out how to unlock the keyboard first!

I am taking it with me to the group therapy session later this morning and ask someone to show me the basics.

By the way, if you're reading this and thinking I'm hopeless...well my brother and dad are even worse; my brother claims to have never made or answered a phone call of any description and my dad takes credit for just one; phoning me up and asking where the tin opener is kept one day when my mum was kept in hospital because she had broken her arm.

I was returning to town yesterday on the bus when I noticed that the traffic lights for the bus lane were showing red, yet the other two lanes were on green; there must have been a reason, I assume.

I seem to be suffering with dry, flaky skin on the backs of my fingers at the moment - I don't know what it might be, but it's not serious.

It's been the busiest week so far on the blog according to Sitemeter - it seems that for a couple of days last week a lot of people were accessing an old posting about unusual murders as reported by the F.B.I.

I've been watching some of the Olympics coverage on TV and earlier this morning the reporter said that the final of the 100 metres is being run at 10:30 p.m. local time in Peking, 10:30 being usually past my bedtime - surely it's not the ideal time for athletes to be be running though?

I had an appointment with an advisor at the training agency where I'm registered and she typed my details into a new computer programme which calculated/assessed my level of employability. After all my personal details were entered it suggested that I need a mobile phone so that a potential employer is able to contact at any time; and I also need a replacement copy of my birth certificate so that I'm able to prove that I'm not an illegal immigrant...I don't have a driving licence or passport.

So, I will be provided with a mobile phone and £10 credit, and will have to sign the paperwork to apply for a new birth certificate.

The government's official inflation figure was announced yesterday as 4.4%.

Here are some recent price rises I've noticed though:
toilet paper, up from 60p to 69p
ready meals/TV dinners which had only recently increased from £1 to £1.19, are now £1.25.
cheese, up from £1 to £1.25.

Today, August 12th, traditionally known as 'The Glorious Twelfth' is the first day of the grouse shooting season. Many areas of access land up on the moors are closed to the public; it doesn't bother me these days since I haven't been hiking on the moors for at least seven years - but when I would be up on the moors most weekends it was quite inconvenient.

I wouldn't want to be on the moors today anyhow; it's raining heavily over most of the country.

The rudbeckias in my garden, or black-eyed Susans as they are also called, are quite impressive at the moment; only six out of an entire packet of seeds actually germinated, but the flowers are large and spectacular...and are very long-lasting.

Products that I can think of that were once manufactured in Doncaster:

trains
tractors
combined harvesters
rope
wire
confectionery
cars

and coal was mined in the surrounding pit villages; and electricity generated at two local power stations.

According to my Sitemeter stats, yesterday I had over one thousand pageviews [and six hundred visitors] for the first time; both these figures are more than double my previous highest.

I shall have to investigate to see if anyone has linked to my blog.

The people responsible for marking university examination papers have been told to ignore spelling mistakes when grading candidates' work.

How things have changed since I was at school, when every spelling mistake or grammatical error meant you lost a point.

I popped into the municipal museum and art gallery yesterday afternoon and spent nearly an hour there; I haven't visited for over a year though. There was the annual exhibition by members of the local art group and a very interesting display commemorating the 150th anniversary of the building of Doncaster Minster - it's quite a good approximation of the original mediaeval church which burnt down.

Sites I usually visit when accessing the internet here at the library:

blog.co.uk
Hotmail
Fortean Times
UK Newspapers Online
Radio Five Live Messageboards
The Daily Grail
Cryptomundo

Siamese twins are now conjoined.

Mongols are now Downs' Syndrome sufferers.

I'm an Englishman and a Yorkshireman; I wonder what the lexicographers would like to replace me with?

I've received a letter from the company that reads my electricity meter stating that for the third time in less than six years they want to install a new meter...I have a legal obligation to grant them access.

I reckon they are concerned about my low usage and are thinking that either the meter is faulty, or I'm fiddling them. Of course, the truth is that I live alone and don't use much electricity because I don't have central heating, or a washing machine, iron, or dishwasher and in the cold weather only put on one bar of the electric fire in the front room.

On Wednesday I went walking along a stretch of the Danum Way, a local long-distance footpath. I've just been on Google Image Search to see if there are any pictures of other parts of the route; but all I got were photographs of the Danum Valley in Borneo!

We have an unelected Prime Minister, not voted for by his party or the electorate and a governing Labour Party that is in opposition in the Scottish Parliament and only in a coalition administration in the Welsh Assembly...and doesn't even organise in Northern Ireland. In England, although the Labour Party does have a majority of seats; more people actually voted Conservative.