Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Things I've only done once:

Abseiling - absolutely loved it

Caving - not bothered about doing it again

Archery - I was rubbish

Army assault course - I enjoyed it, but don't think I'd be able to do it now

Lyke Wake Walk - it was a difficult challenge

Had a general anaesthetic - at least I didn't feel nauseous when I regained consciousness

Stood on the stage at the City Varieties music hall at Leeds - it was only a guided tour though

Been a candidate in a local election - it really pissed off a lot of people

Signed a cheque for £35,000

I currently have fifteen friends on Facebook, and all but three of them I've met in real life.

Is this particularly unusual; actually knowing most of my friends?

This morning I picked up a leaflet about something called the 'Job Mates' programme and since I'm looking for a job I thought the people involved might be able to help me.

Some of the key phrases I've spotted in the leaflet:

exciting new programme

break down any barriers 'they' may have in finding employment

free professional advice and support

accessing employment by increasing confidence

researching individual training needs

I honestly doubt that they'll be able to help me though...I'm a difficult case.

Local placenames and names of geographical features which are also English words [including spelling variations.]

Aire
Blyth
Burn
Carr
Don
Dove
Goole
Hook
Idle
Jump
Marr
Stone
Styrrup
Thorne
Wroot
Went

On Radio Five Live this morning they were discussing political correctness; also known as P.C.

Of course the initials 'P.C.' can also stand for 'personal computer', 'post card' and 'police constable'; as used in the following sentence -

I wrote a P.C. on my P.C. and sent it to the P.C. P.C.

I'm posting from my parents' house in Thurnscoe. I'm upstairs on the landing because I can't get a connexion downstairs. At least I can get online though; last month there was no signal at all.

I've been showing my mum how instant messaging works: I contacted my sister in Australia.

There's currently a bit of a controversy in Britain about a disabled presenter on a children's TV programme - some parents are claiming that their children are upset, or even scared, by her appearance.

Well, it's not not just disabled people who have to contend with this type of behaviour concerning their appearance; I have a pronounced squint and bulging eyes, and when I was younger I was very gangly and clumsy and was cruelly tormented when I was at school. I still hear an occasional comment made about how I look...and it's not just children making them either.

Over the years I've been called or refered to by many unflattering names. Here's a list of those I can remember:

Clarence [A one-eyed lion in a TV programme]

The Honey Monster [A character used in a TV advertising campaign for Sugar Puffs - a breakfast cereal]

Mr. Bean

Golem [A character in the Lord of the Rings films]

A drug addict

An alcoholic

Isaiah ['one eye's higher than the other']

Sometimes I think that my physical appearance and others' reaction to it could well be the real reason why I've never had a job.

I was scanning through the digital radio channels that my Freeview digibox can receive and these are the songs I remained tuned to, in order to listen.

Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You

Abba - Mamma Mia

Kirsty MacCall - New England

the Saturdays - Up

Yesterday evening I did something I haven't done in a long time; I listened to Radio 3, to a new version of H. G. Wells' 'The Time Machine.'

The last time I tuned into the station was when it was still broadcasting the cricket commentary on medium wave...many years ago.

'Shops quietly take back the cut in V.A.T.'

'Secret report reveals how M.E.P.s make millions.'

'Tony Blair Inc.: a nice little earner.'

'Prince Andrew's helicopter hop costs taxpayers £6,000.'

I don't really need to make any comments, do I?

Feb. 20 (Bloomberg) -- A glitch in satellite sensors caused scientists to underestimate the extent of Arctic sea ice by 500,000 square kilometers (193,000 square miles), a California-size area, the U.S. National Snow and Ice Data Center said.

And you trust these people when they're constantly going on about global warming? Well, I bloody well don't; I don't believe a word any of these scientists says.

It's all over the BBC news this morning that jobcentres aren't providing much help to recently unemployed professionals, managers and even white collar workers. Well, I worked that out three decades ago; unless you happen to be illiterate, innumerate, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a criminal, disabled or a member of one of the government's favoured minorities, jobcentre staff just don't want to know.

Arksey is the nearest place to where I'm living now that I've not yet visited. It's only about two miles away but there's no reason to go; there's nothing much there and it's not in the countryside. It's just across the river from north of the town centre - but there isn't a direct road link by bridge over the river.

As far as I'm aware Arksey is best known locally for its level crossing which is situated on a busy railway line and people are constantly moaning about it.

I'm having my picture taken tomorrow, together with two other blokes who have been regular participants on the First Step programme, which works with long-term unemployed people. Several of the images will be used on the organisation's website.

I'll post a link to the site when the photos appear.

A pillowcase from Barnsley hospital

A bottle opener from Ward's Brewery in Sheffield; it's nearly sixty years old and the brewery long since closed

A radiant heat bulb from the flat where I used to live - it's been in my bathroom for over six years now

A pen from Argos

I found these whilst looking through the Sheffield network.

Osama has lost his mobile

Dairylea Dunkers Appreciation Society

The glass that everyone has drunk from

For every 940,000 people who join this group, one will be mauled by bears

The Facebook Army - let's get one million people and invade Liechtenstein

I was just checking my stats on Sitemeter and noticed that one of my recent visitors was from Huawei in China. Huawei is the brand name of the company that manufactured my mobile broadband modem and dongle; their factory must be located in that city.

They were holding an audio and video sale at the library this morning. I didn't buy anything though; the films on sale were mainly Bollywood musicals and romantic comedies. There were a few thrillers and action films, but I've already seen them. I didn't bother looking at the CDs; they weren't that cheap.

The government in Italy has a Minister for the Simplification of Law.

In my previous post I listed the subject areas I’ve been informally studying intermittently over the years to pursue my interest in military history, command and the exercise of power. Here are a couple of practical examples where several of these theories and observations could be utilised.

Cricket.

The captain of a cricket team has more power and responsibility than his counterparts do in any other team sport. He can have a role in team selection, whether to bat or bowl first if he wins the toss, who to pick to bowl next…and from which end, what the batting order should be and where a player is to be positioned in the field. It is therefore essential that any decision he makes is undertaken with the overall intention of winning the match, series or tournament. Therefore the captain must either have total control of team selection and stand or fall by his choice and his actions on the field, or he must have no input whatsoever as to who is picked, therefore only needing to worry about his performance on the pitch.

What should never be allowed to happen, but often does, is a situation arising whereby the captain is initially chosen and then is invited to become a member of the selection panel to pick the rest of the team. He could easily find himself lumbered with some players he doesn’t want, yet having the power to take decisions that could easily sabotage their performances and that of the team, just to make a point by making sure that these individuals fail.

The first manned mission to Mars.

This project would not just be a technological challenge, but also a human challenge – medical, biological, psychological, emotional, and…in my opinion, most difficult of all; a sexual challenge for the entire crew and the mission controllers.

In order to best minimise any sexual jealousy, frustration or favouritism which could jeopardise the mission, the mission would have to consist of an entirely heterosexual crew with equal numbers of men and women or exclusively homosexual crews picked from only one gender.

The one situation that couldn’t be allowed to develop at all costs though is the formation of long-term monogamous relationships which could possibly result in a person in command assigning the wrong person to a potentially dangerous task because they’d want to protect their lover.

Therefore I’d suggest that cabin mates be selected randomly by the computer every night just before crew members retire, and make sure that everyone has been pre-screened to make sure they are very broadminded and have no sexual hang-ups or inhibitions.

I've always been interested in military history, the theory of warfare, command, and the power and implementation of authority.

Here's a list of some of the ideas I've been studying over the years; of course I really should get around to reading von Clausewitz and Machiavelli's 'The Prince.'

the theory of disproportionate retaliation

the avoidance of defeat by dictating and imposing your enemy's terms of victory

'never explain, never apologise, never compromise'

the theory of asymetric warfare

the practice of torture should never be undertaken to extract information; but always to modify behaviour

a threat is not a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out

my enemy's enemy can still also be my enemy

keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer

target/enemy selection and acquisition

doing the unexpected can always be expected and countered, but its effects can't

in a hostage situation the mission of any special forces operation is to kill the kidnappers/terrorists...the rescuing of any hostages is merely a bonus

'he who has nothing, has nothing to lose by his actions'

the law of unintended consequences

'be careful what you wish for, it might come true'

'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'

if you're powerless, being right is never enough

sometimes, Murphy's Law doesn't apply

1981 Jackman affair Guyana

Kensington lock

Slovak-Hungarian War 1939

review of Advent 4490 netbook computer

Caerleon Roman town

I watched a pirated DVD copy of Die Hard 4.0 last night. It was in black and white. There are a few lines of dialogue spoken in French and German and these were subtitled into German; even when the actors were speaking German.

Two of today's headlines:

13-year-old father vows to become good parent

moderate Muslim beheads wife

A few days ago I mentioned what seedlings I'm raising this spring. I'm now recalling the perennial plants that are already established in my garden:

daffodils
bluebells
grape hyacinths
oxalis
lupins [didn't flower last year - attacked by slugs and snails]
an aster
a Michaelmas daisy
a buddleia bush
a hydrangea
one hollyhock
a peony that's never flowered
wild geraniums
rudbeckias

I've also got self-set eschscholtzias which are annuals and biennial foxgloves which are in their second year.

In the autumn I dug up the fuchsia and lilac bushes because they were taking up too much room, and also removed the variegated ivy and the sweet peas because they were providing cover for the slugs and snails.

I was in the jobcentre earlier this week and was using the computerised jobpoints and noticed that many of the jobs on display had the letters 'LEP' written after them. When I was called to sign on I asked the clerk what the initials stood for; and she told me - Local Employment Programme. It means that these jobs are eligible for a work trial. Thus, because I'm long-term unemployed, about a quarter of the jobs advertised by the jobcentre here in Doncaster would require that I initially partake in a three week [unpaid] work trial, and then there would still be no guarantee of a contract at the end of the period.

Has telephone numbers belonging to four exchanges (Doncaster, Rotherham, Pontefract and Thorne/Goole)

Has addresses with two different postcodes DN [Doncaster] and S [Sheffield]

Has most of its rivers, becks and streams ultimately flowing into the river Aire; except for two, The Torne and Idle which empty into the Trent.

I've just finished typing this letter.

Yours Sincerely

My mum's just phoned me. She's back home; she was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. The doctors still don't know what's been making her feel unwell, but the tablets they've prescribed have stabilised her condition. If there are no problems she won't need to attend hospital again until the end of April.

I've been having a lot of static electricity in hair for the last two days - it itches like Hell! I don't know what's causing it, or what the cure/solution might be. There's certainly been nothing new introduced into my environment, such as a new carpet or item of clothing that could be the reason.

Maybe it's the weather.

Why do woman TV newsreaders who are sacked when they reach their 40s complain about unfair treatment? I bet they weren't complaining when they got the job in the first place in their early twenties when young men of the same age didn't get a look in - and still don't.

I've had my poetry published in magazines for over twenty years now and during that period a couple of editors have mistaken me for a radical lesbian and an African freedom fighter. I didn't inform them of their mistakes...it's all part of the fun.

Some interesting, unusual or surprising sites that link to my blog:

Switchblade Kittens [a girl band]
Puget Sound News
The Kaluza Principle [a philosophical concept]
Cigar Snobs Forum
Andrea Corr Heaven Club [lead singer - The Corrs]
Allergy Treatment News
Festival Forums

If you want to see who's linked to your blog just type 'linkdomain:' followed by the address of your blog without the initial 'http://' into a search engine.

A brief update about my mum's medical status:

She had a quite painful and intrusive test today and the results showed that she doesn't have angina; there's nothing wrong with her heart. Her symptoms are probably caused by sluggish blood flow; but the medical staff don't know why. They've called a case conference for tomorrow to decide what to do next.

When I went to the jobcentre to sign on yesterday they handed me a leaflet with a list of 'useful' numbers and contact addresses.

Included on this list were many subjects of no use or interest to me whatsoever.

disability/deafness/mobility/non-English speaker/child benefit/bereavement/maternity/pensions

What it doesn't mention though is how or where I might find a job.

I need to buy a couple of torches this morning. I had a three hour long power cut on Sunday night; I was using the laptop in the attic room when everything went dark [apart from the computer screen.] I needed to get down two flights of stairs, so to make sure I didn't fall I decided to sit down and descend them on my backside.

The one torch I have in the house is kept in the entrance to the cellar - not much use to me on Sunday. I'll now be able to position a torch on all three floors though.

The six most popular search terms used to find my blog:

1...list of puns
2...unusual diseases
3...unusual jobs
4...list of palindromes
5...funny French phrases
6...famous personal mottos

You'll have to draw your own conclusions.

The seeds that are in trays on my windowsill in the bedroom have only just started germinating, after nearly a fortnight; far longer than they usually take. It must be the cold weather.

This year I'm planting marigolds, some snapdragon seeds my mum has given me and an assortment of mixed perennials.

This was how Jeremy Clarkson described Gordon Brown last week. I totally agree with that description.

The Prime Minister was giving a press conference earlier this morning and he mentioned that the amount of investment going into Eastern Europe had fallen by 700%. I don't know if the laws of mathematics have changed since I was at school; but an amount cannot fall by 700% - if it falls to zero it can only fall by a hundred percent. The man's a fool; although his words were mangled, it sounded like he was saying that the actual amount had fallen to a seventh of its previous level...which is a fall of about 85%.

Welcome to the world of our leader...who also happened to be Chancellor of the Exchequer for ten years and helped to get us into this financial mess in the first place.

I've just stepped out of the bath. I didn't stay in for my usual long soak because the water didn't seem to be as hot as normal. I'm convinced that sometimes not as much power goes into the water heater as I'm actually metered for. I'm sure it happens with the cooker too.

Apply for my residents' parking permit for the second time - the first time my proof of residency documentation was over six months old and therefore not acceptabe. Of course, it didn't mention this on the application form. I don't have a car and can't drive; but I need the permit for when someone visits and I'm expectinbg a visit from an old school friend who now lives in York who I'd not seen for years but then made contact with me by using Facebook.

Phoned up the Housing Department just to confirm that I don't need to make a new claim for Housing Brenefit now that I'm no longer with the training agency and am signing on at the jobcentre again.

I went to visit my mum at the hospital at Barnsley yesterday. She seemed fine, talking with dad and me in the TV lounge.

However, dad phoned early this morning and reported that she'd had a bad night and they had to call out the doctor.

I'm finding this whole situation concerning my mum's ill health quite difficult - it's something I've not had to face before...our family has been fortunate in always having had good general health and so haven't had that much contact with doctors and hospitals.

I've noticed that when I scan my computer's hard drive for viruses and spyware it takes slightly longer each time I do it because there are more files to be scanned - 130,000 the last time I did it. I wonder why this is since I've not downloaded any data or programs.

Maybe it's something to do with the temporary internet files. I don't know.

I was walking along an icy pavement this morning and suddenly thought, 'Why, in standard English would I say that this pavement is slippery and not slippy? Surely 'slippery' means 'like a slipper?'

Well, I can think of a valid reason why 'slippy' can't be allowed; 'slip' in this sense isn't an Old English noun. However, I haven't a clue why the form 'slippery' became established.

Of course, in Yorkshire dialect we say 'slippy.'

I was looking at my blog stats on Sitemeter the other day and noticed that one of my recent visitors was using the Windows NT operating system. I thought this platform was developed before the internet was introduced; yet it obviously works - possibly with some sort of limited access.

Well, the news could be a lot worse. She isn't going to be transferred to Sheffield for immediate surgery - they're keeping her at Barnsley hospital for more tests and observation. My dad said she was quite chirpy this morning when speaking on the phone and had even been walking about on the ward, but then she passed out, fell over and has badly bruised her arm; so now she's confined to bed.

I'll go and see her tomorrow with my dad.

After having written about the local folklore, here are the architectural highlights of the villages where I go walking.

A mediaeval castle with an impressive, well-preserved keep.

An ornate mediaeval gatehouse.

A Disneyesque nineteenth century gatehouse and fantastical turreted walls.

Several impressive stately homes.

I was travelling into town earlier today and saw half a dozen horses in a snowy field. From the angle I was looking at, and with the sun in my eyes I briefly mistook them for metal detectorists. A similar thing happened many years ago when a few of us were hiking on the moors and I misidentified a small group of cows as a stone circle.

It's not good news; the problems with her heart seem to be a lot more serious than first thought.

If her condition can't be stabilised she'll have to be transferred to Sheffield on Saturday for bypass surgery, and in the meantime she's being injected with warfarin directly into her stomach every few hours.

Yesterday I took one of those online tests to determine my apparent chronological age and it came out at 52 - five years older than I really am. That's a bit worrying: I don't consider myself to have a particularly unhealthy lifestyle; it's just that there are several economic and environmental factors taken into account which are beyond my control...and it also seems important that I don't floss my teeth. To be honest I wouldn't know how to floss my teeth...my dentist has mentioned it once or twice but she knows I would have difficulties because I can't open my mouth wide enough because of the problems with my facial muscles that also cause my squint.

The phone rang at 08:15 this morning and as soon as it rang I knew it would be bad news.It was my dad telling me that mum is in hospital with coronary problems. The news isn't entirely unexpected though; she's been having problems with her blood pressure and was due to have tests done next week.

My dad's waiting for a phone call from the hospital and so I'll get an update later. By my dad's description of the symptoms it doesn't seem to be an actual heart attack, just a bit of tightness and breathlessness which hopefully can be managed by drugs.

The last six books I've read:

Chromosome 6
Lost City
State of Fear
The Miracle Strain
Battle Born
The Last Testament

Nothing but escapist machismo here.

Stories associated with local villages where I go walking:

The poacher strangled by the sheep he'd killed and stolen.

The fight to the death between a drunken knight and a wildcat.

The exhumed skulls on display with a macabre message for us all about our mortality.

The village lost to the Black Death.

The headstone in a churchyard telling how the person was murdered; in gory detail.

The pornographic and blasphemous mummery play.

A TV remote control that works both when I'm sitting down and when I'm standing up...and which also works in a vertical position so that I can actually look at what I'm doing and then press the correct button without having to re-aim the damn thing.

My brother had to stay the night last night. He was stranded in town because the buses out to Barnsley were suspended at teatime.

After about an hour we ran out of things to talk about.

I've just noticed that the roof of my house has more snow on it than any of the other houses on the street. This must mean that either my house is well insulated...or it's freezing cold. I suspect that it might be the latter, since the only heating I have is a 2KW and 1KW electric fires and a portable fan heater that I move around with me. I'm currently lying on the carpeted floor of my attic room, about two foot away from the fan heater and am as warm as toast - the rest of the house is cold though.

It's snowing quite heavily now and it's getting quite deep. Maybe my brother won't be able to visit me later. I can't contact him though because he still hasn't got a mobile phone yet.

Watching the TV news this morning it reminded me of the 1970s with hundreds of striking pickets standing outside factories or plants in the snow, schools closed and public transport severely disrupted.

Usually I don't agree with going on strike, but these protests are an exception - the workers and unemployed protestors do seem to have a genuine case when claiming to be victims of discrimination.

How the word for an extensive area of open high land changes as you travel from north to south in England:

Fell
Moor
Wold
Down
Moor

It certainly needs it.

Some form of proportional representation.

Recall elections for all senior posts and offices, whether elected or appointed.

A directly elected House of Lords, possibly renamed.

A federal England with a separate English parliament.

Withdrawal from the European Union.

A regular and updated citizenship or franchise test that must be passed in order to vote.

Binding referendums initiated by popular petition.